Characters
Horatio Prest- The Good
Dr Tumblety- The Bad
Duncan Mordekai- The Ugly
Gaff- The Cleaner
Hobnob- The Stonemason
Charlie- The Stonemason’s son
Elijah- The work experience
The Horatio Prest house of bedlam is set in a Victorian theatre house on brick lane. The year is 1888 and it is
In which the Stonemason’s are offered free seats for their efforts.
Sounds of a busy street in London’s East end. Hawkers and peddlers, horses hooves and the creak of wagons. The sound of a hammer tapping against stone.
HOBNOB: Come on son, put some effort into it. This ladder wont stay up on its own you know. Hold it tight boy.
CHARLIE: Instead of replying, Charlie grunts in the manner of a simpleton
HOBNOB: Keep your foot on the rung.
CHARLIE: Charlie’s Da!
HOBNOB: Because you know what I think Charlie. I think God cursed us the day we had you. I look at you and your bloated forehead and your dribble and I want to cry Charlie, I want to cry.
CHARLIE: Ha!
HOBNOB: Come on son, we’ve got the business to think about eh? People are laughing behind my back. People are laughing at us.
CHARLIE: Bursts out laughing and Hobnob sighs
HOBNOB: Keep the ladder still you wretch. Ah, Mr Prest.
Enter Prest
PREST: Hallo Hobnob. How is the handy work coming along? Ah, it looks wonderful. If only my uncle could have seen me now. Did you know he was a showman out in India during the 40’s? Duncan knew him well before he died; they were great friends you know. Uncle even saved his life once. Hallo! This must be your son.
HOBNOB: That’s right Mr Prest, say hello Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hullo Mrs Breast.
PREST: Pleased to meet you lad. Gadzooks! That queue is certainly building up, I’ll have to get Elijah to open up soon before they get rowdy. I say, why don’t you and Charlie come and watch the show on the house? Only fair after all the work you two have put in. What do you say Charlie?
CHARLIE: Grunts
PREST: That’s my lad.
HOBNOB: That’s a kind offer Mr Prest, but there is the small matter of payment. This boy doesn’t survive on thin air. Between you and me he’s a bit of a handful. We took him to the zoo last week. We’d just gone through the reptile house and Charlie here drops his breeches and plops a weasel right there on the floor. He tried to feed it to a camel but the zookeeper chucked us out.
PREST: Still, I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset anyone. Tell you what; Go and find Duncan after the show. He’s more of the financial body around here.
HOBNOB: Will do. Thank you kindly Mr Prest.
PREST: And now I must run along and tell the others to make ready. The opening night of the House, I am quite the nervous wreck.
KEG: Ah, Prest, do you have a moment? I’ve got a new melody for Elijah’s…
PREST: Not now Keg, have you seen Duncan?
KEG: In his room.
Prest knocks on Duncan’s door. A sound of whipping comes from the inside.
DUNCAN: What!
PREST: Duncan, you should see the queue outside. It goes all the way up to the Mott and Merkin! Can I come in?
DUNCAN: Do you have to? (Whipping sound is heard again and a slight feminine moan)
PREST: I need to talk to you. The show starts in a few minutes.
DUNCAN: (A sucking noise and a giggle can be heard before the door creaks open) Make it quick.
PREST: Well, the signs finished. The stage is ready. Keg says he has a new melody for Elijah’s act and Gaff’s just finished cleaning the aisle.
DUNCAN: Not bad Prest, not bad at all. Is the Great Badoochi all fired up and ready to go?
PREST: As ready as can be.
DUNCAN: You’d better get out front then. Welcome the punters.
PREST: I will, but first a toast! To the brick lane theatre company and all who sail with her.
DUNCAN: It ain’t a bleedin’ boat you albino twerp. Pass the Rum.
(The sound of two glasses being poured and Duncan breathing heavily)
PREST: To the House!
DUNCAN: To the house. Now be a good lad and don’t keep the punters waiting.
PREST: I’m going Duncan, I’m going.
(Sound of the door opening and closing and a cupboard door squeaking open followed by a low chuckle from Duncan)
DUNCAN: Right, Moll, where were we?
(giggle)
The street
In which Prest gets over excited
HOBNOB: Hi! Charlie, what in the blazes are you up to lad? Put that ladder on the cart.
CHARLIE: grunts
Sound of a ladder clanging
HOBNOB: When you’ve finished up meet me inside. I’m going to see if I can rout out Mr Mordekai for our money. Hurry up lad.
Enter Prest
PREST: Ah! Hobnob.
HOBNOB: Hullo again Mr Prest. I’m just on my way to find Mr Mordekai.
PREST: I think you’ll find him in the bosom of his dressing room. I warn you though, he is a little excitable. Perhaps it would be better to take a seat and approach him after the performance.
HOBNOB: Well I was hoping to get home in time for supper you see. Mrs Hobnob lays on a mighty fine platter, but, what the hey, I’ll stay for the show. Charlie, come along, we are going to see the great Badoochi. Many thanks again Mr Prest.
PREST: My unadulterated pleasure. Ahoy! Gaff, just the man.
Enter Gaff
GAFF: Prest. I got wind from Duncan that you wanted to open up. Where’s that monkey Elijah?
PREST: I haven’t seen him all day. The last I know he went to go and fetch himself a pie from Oatblowers, haven’t seen the scallywag since. Is Keg ready?
GAFF: Aye. He’s got his bow tie on and Dante is stretching his skin.
PREST: I beg your pardon?
GAFF: Tightening the skin on his wee drum.
PREST: Ah, good. Then everything is set and ready for the off. Can you feel it? The air is positively vibrating.
GAFF: If you say so.
PREST: No more chatter Gaff. Open the doors and shed the light of the theatre on the masses.
The back of the theatre
(Audience chatter)
HOBNOB: Right son, you sit down and stay here till I come back. Kind Mr Prest has given us these seats on the house, what do you say to that?
CHARLIE: grunts Lucky Charlie!
HOBNOB: Good lad, I’m going to see if I can find Mr Mordekai. Now don’t move until I get back. Understand?
CHARLIE: Unghh!
HOBNOB: Phew Charlie, have you just messed your breeches?…Oh Charlie!
The wings
DUNCAN: Prest, you’d better hurry up and get on. Two fights have already broken out near the back. The natives are getting restless, I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Could get nasty.
PREST: I know, but the great Badoochi has lost his lucky breeches and he wont go on without them.
DUNCAN: I’ll go and have a word. Get up there and give them your speech.
PREST: You’re right Duncan, now is the time.
DUNCAN: Don’t tell any of your jokes!
The stage
PREST: You’re attention if you will ladies and gentlemen! Welcome tonight to the grand opening of the Brick Lane Theatre House! Tonight we have for your pleasure a man who has come all the way from Italy to be with us! He can escape from the tightest bonds be they the strongest rope or the heaviest chains. No jail cell can hold him, no lock can keep him at bay. Tonight he will submerge himself in a closed tank of freezing water while ridding himself of a straight jacket in under three minutes! So, stay firmly in your seats and watch, if you will, the amazing escapological powers of…the Great Badoochi!
(Crowd cheers in expectation)
Wings
(Prest’s voice can be heard in the background)
HOBNOB: Ah, Mr Mordekai, I hoped I would find you. I’m in rather a hurry you see and I would ask you for payment in light of services rendered.
DUNCAN: Eh? Can’t you see I’m busy? This Italian nonce has got to get on stage.
HOBNOB: I’ll come and find you later then. Good luck.
DUNCAN: I’ll good luck ‘im. Come on Badoochi, get you’re arse movin’
BADOOCHI: Hey, don’t push me fatty. I’m an artist, what do you think I am, a clown?
DUNCAN: (viciously) Beg your pardon?
BADOOCHI: What? Are you deaf? You fat f…
(there is a sound of a pistol being cocked and a gasp from Badoochi)
DUNCAN: Yeah, you know what this is. Now get on stage before I put a hole in your face. Got it?
(sound of feet running upstairs to the stage. Audience cheers)
DUNCAN: I hope he drowns.
Incidental music
In which the new act drowns on stage
Sounds of thudding, thrashing and gurgling.
PREST: Right, how many times is that?
DUNCAN: Five.
PREST: Five? He said to get him out of there on three. He must be in trouble. Gaff, the winch.
GAFF: Aye, aye captain.
DUNCAN: He’s Fine, the audience are lovin’ it.
PREST: I think he’s in trouble.
DUNCAN: Piss shit! It’s part of the act.
PREST: How is that winch coming along Gaff? Do you need a hand there?
GAFF: It wont turn captain, it’s stuck fast.
PREST: We’ll have to try and open the tank by force then, Duncan lend a hand.
DUNCAN: No way! the punters can’t get enough, they’re goin’ crazy. Look at him writhing around in there. What a showman. You get up there now and you’ll spoil the atmosphere, he wont thank you for it.
PREST: Duncan, he’s going blue. Gaff, pull the curtains!
DUNCAN: Leave ‘em!! Prest, You can’t find entertainment like this.
GAFF: Er…He’s stopped moving.
PREST: That’s enough! I’ll get the curtains, Gaff, you smash the tank.
GAFF: Will do captain, though I don’t fancy our man’s chances. No one can stay under water for that long. I should know.
Curtains are pulled
stage
PREST: Ladies and gentlemen! Please, settle down and stay in your seats, the next act will be along shortly. a round of applause if you will for the death defying…The Great Badoochi!
Applause
In which Duncan shows his darker temperament
Prest’s voice can be heard from the stage
DUNCAN: How’s it going there? You got him out yet?
GAFF: It’s no good, I can’t break it. Wait a minute and I’ll be back with ma Betsy.
DUNCAN: Who?
GAFF: Ma shovel, won’t be long!
DUNCAN: What do you want your bloody spade for? You can’t dig up water!
Footsteps running away
DUNCAN: Poor old Badoochi. Look at ya now. It’s like I told a friend of mine back in India. “Don’t get into anything you cant get out of in the time it takes for a gun to go off” He learned the hard way I can tell you. Shame the safety winch didn’t work. Funny. I tested it myself and it worked fine.
You got what you deserved you filth.
PREST: Duncan? Have you seen Elijah? The crowd is getting restless and I need him to do his sword swallowing routine!
DUNCAN: Can’t you see I’m having a moment here? Get lost.
PREST: Agh! I don’t believe it. Why do these things happen to me. It’s a curse, that’s what it is. My opening night, ruined!
DUNCAN: Prest…
PREST: I’ll never work again! What happens when the police get wind of this?
DUNCAN: Prest…
PREST: (Crying) Doomed I tell you, doomed to be second rate. Where is that blasted Elijah? I’ll have words for him when he turns up!
DUNCAN: Right! Prest! shut your self pitying cake hole. Do you know what you sound like? a girl who’s lost her dolly that’s what. Now get up, wipe your eyes and get back on that stage until I work out what to do. And don’t breathe a word of this to anyone else. The fewer people who know the better. Got it?
PREST: But…
DUNCAN: Leave the body to Duncan, he’ll get rid of it. No-one needs to know. As far as the punters are concerned it was all part of the act see? Put it from your mind and get back on that bloody stage before they start tearing the place up.
PREST: Yes Duncan.
Exit Prest
DUNCAN: Gaff, did you hear all that?
Enter Gaff
CHARLIE: Aye, I did. cryin’ ain’t going to solve any problems. What do you want to do?
DUNCAN: Get rid of the body. Use the trap door to the sewers and if the Bobby’s come nosin’ you don’t know nothin’ you got me?
GAFF: You can count on me Duncan. What about Prest, can he keep his mouth shut?
DUNCAN: You let me worry about that pasty faced fop. Lose the corpse.
GAFF: Captain.
DUNCAN: Gaff, what’s the spade for?
CHARLIE: I was going to use it to break open the tank.
DUNCAN: Good idea. I want first whack!
PREST: “Oh, that this too, too solid flesh, would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew:
Or that the everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter. O God, O God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seems to me all the uses of this world!…
CHARLIE: Gurgles
In which the drowned man dies twice over.
GAFF: Well, doesn’t that just take the orange. I never thought I’d be seeing a man drowned on dry land. (Gaff lights up his lantern) There we go, now we can see what we are doin’.
BADOOCHI: What the? What are you doing?
GAFF: What’s that lad? Still with us are ya? Now here’s a quandary. What do you think I should do? Tell Duncan?
BADOOCHI: I don’t want that fatty anywhere near me. I heard what he was saying when I was in the tank
GAFF: I’d have to agree with you there Badoochi. Good of you not to bring Duncan into this. Now, shut up, pucker up and take what’s comin’ to ye.
With one loud, echoing crack Badoochi’s life is ended.
PREST: “Get thee to a nunnery. Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest, but yet I could accuse me of such things, that it were better my mother had not born me”
HECKLER 1: Get off!
HECKLER 2: Piss off you maggot!
CHARLIE: grunts
In which Elijah angers Duncan
DUNCAN: Oh my God, what is he doin’ up there?
Enter Elijah breathless
ELIJAH: Duncan, Duncan. I am so sorry. How’s it all going?
DUNCAN: Very, very badly. Why weren’t you here earlier Elijah?
ELIJAH: Oh Mr Mordekai, I don’t know what to say. I went and purchased a pie from Oatblowers stall and I’ve spent the last two hours bent double over a cess pit. My stomach feels like I’ve swallowed acid.
DUNCAN: (shouting)Silly boy! Oatblowers pies are not for a system so delicate as yours. I ate two in a go once and hallucinated for the rest of the week! Now be a good boy and get your bloody costume on!
ELIJAH: Mr Mordekai, don’t shout.
DUNCAN: (sighs)I’m sorry little one, It’s been a tough day, the worst of days. Come to my dressing room later and I’ll tell you all about it. Now run along and don’t make Duncan angry.
ELIJAH: Yes Duncan. I’ll be as quick as a hummingbird.
Exit Elijah:
DUNCAN: Oh Elijah.
Enter Hobnob
HOBNOB: Hoi! Mr Mordekai. I’ve been trying to find you. You weren’t in your dressing room.
DUNCAN: What? Hobnob! What’s your problem?
HOBNOB: I’ve come for my money lord bless you. My son and I finished up with the sign nigh on an hour ago and my supper will be getting cold by now.
DUNCAN: Ah yes, your payment. Come with me to my office.
HOBNOB: Are you feeling alright Mr Mordekai? You look a bit…troubled.
DUNCAN: No Hobnob. I’ve never felt better. After you. Alright Hobnob, take a seat and we’ll sort you out. Help yourself to a glass of rum.
Knock on the door
DUNCAN: Who is it?
GAFF: It’s me Captain.
DUNCAN: Come on in Gaff. Me and Hobnob were just talking about his pay.
GAFF: Oh aye? Just come to tell you that I’ve finished the job.
DUNCAN: Well done Gaff. I hope it wasn’t too messy.
HOBNOB: I must say Mr Mordekai, it’s quite a place you’ve got going here. I saw a bit of the Great Badoochi. Looked very dangerous.
DUNCAN: Yes…very.
HOBNOB: Bound to be a few teething problems isn’t there. Do you have clowns here Mr Mordekai?
DUNCAN: What do you mean by that?
GAFF: Duncan, he was only…
DUNCAN: I suppose you want those evil bastards in here too. Do ya? Do ya? I’ll tell you something Gaff. There’s not a lot old Duncan’s afraid of in this world. I’ve seen and done some bad things, but the painted ones are not to be trusted. Never, never ever!
GAFF: (worried) Sorry Duncan, I’d better be off, the boiler needs an overhaul.
DUNCAN: Stay where you are. Now, Hobnob, tell me a bit more about…about…
HOBNOB: Clowns?
DUNCAN: Yes, carry on.
HOBNOB: Well, you’ve got to admit that having them around certainly cheers the atmosphere up a bit.
DUNCAN: Yes…
HOBNOB: Funny red noses and all. I used to go to the circus quite a lot up North. ‘course, Charlie was only a bairn back then. He used to love the clowns, probably make a good one himself. What do you think Mr M?
DUNCAN: Funny-red-noses?
HOBNOB: Could I have my pay now please? Charlie will be worrying about me, can’t leave him on his own for too long on his own or he forgets who he is.
DUNCAN: ‘Course not, we wouldn’t want Charlie left all alone now would we. Here you go Hobnob. Here’s your money. Oops! I’ve dropped it. Could you pick it up for me? I’ve got this old wound in my leg from India see, and I have a problem bending down.
HOBNOB: Of course I will, what’s this? these aren’t coins.
DUNCAN: Gaff, can I borrow your Betsy for a minute?
GAFF: sighs Aye Duncan.
Clang…clang, clang
DUNCAN: You filthy little bastard. You come in here demandin’ money and then tell me I need those painted demons in my theatre?
HOBNOB: I’m so s-s-sorry, I’ll go now.
DUNCAN: Gaff. Door.
the door slams shut
HONOB: Please, for Charlie’s sake. I’m all he’s got.
DUNCAN: Too late! You should’ve kept your mouth shout, whining money grabbing wretch!
HOBNOB: But I said nothing wrong…I only wanted…
DUNCAN: Said nothing wring? Oh, but you did. You said the C- word didn’t you. I won’t have those filthy! (clang) dirty! (clang) Whoresons! (clang) in… my… house! Get it? (Clang) See what you get? You see what you get you filthy sack of shit? You want some more? (breathes heavily)
GAFF: He’s dead.
DUNCAN: You what?
GAFF: He’s dead Duncan.
DUNCAN: He’s dead?…Then take him down!